


Past Appearance

by tollpatsch



Category: SHINee
Genre: Asexual Character, Depression, Disabled Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Genderfluid Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Scars, alternate universe - SHINee without Jonghyun, and i gave jjong some of my problems, basically soooo many of my headcanons in one fic, because I'm a horrible person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:17:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8840740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tollpatsch/pseuds/tollpatsch
Summary: Jonghyun knew he looked hideous. He was in front of the mirror, trying to style his black hair. But it was painfully clear that no hairstyle, no matter how elaborate, could distract from the scar marring one half of his face. He was lucky that he could still see on his right eye, the doctors had said after he had woken up from the coma the accident had sent him into. Sometimes he almost wished for that luck to not have happened – maybe he would see less of his own ugliness with only half of his vision.But Jonghyun has a chance to change his life - an audition to be the background singer for SHINee.





	

Jonghyun knew he looked hideous. He was in front of the mirror, trying to style his black hair. But it was painfully clear that no hairstyle, no matter how elaborate, could distract from the scar marring one half of his face. He was lucky that he could still see on his right eye, the doctors had said after he had woken up from the coma the accident had sent him into. Sometimes he almost wished for that luck to not have happened – maybe he would see less of his own ugliness with only half of his vision.

“Jonghyun!” Sodam called upstairs. “Are you ready?”

“I’m coming!” He yelled back and gave up on his hair. After more than two years of almost never going out, he had definitely lost practice. The people he was going to see should not care about looks anyway. Sodam had, without his knowledge, registered him for an audition held by SM Entertainment for a new background singer. From where she had gotten the CD she had sent in, he had no idea. He had only gotten to know about her involvement when she had excitedly told him that he was one of five applicants the company wanted to see in person. The fact that she had faked his signature didn’t seem to bother her in the least. Jonghyun had wanted to say no, he really had. But Sodam and his mother had been so passionate about it that he hadn’t been able to.

Maybe, after two years, he should try to participate in life again.

The car ride to the company’s building was quiet. “I’ll pick you up.” Sodam announced when they stopped in front. “I’ll just find a café or something close-by and you’ll text me when you’re done?”

“Sure,” Jonghyun shrugged but made no move to get out of the car. He just stared at the building through the window.

“Hey,” Sodam said gently. “Don’t worry. Your walking is fine today and most people know how to behave. And you’re better than to be brought down by some people staring a bit too openly, right?”

“Right.” Jonghyun sounded miserable even to himself. But he gathered all his courage and stepped onto the sidewalk. He hadn’t said anything about Sodam’s words regarding his mobility but he did revel in the feeling of being able to confidently walk into the building. Ever since his accident, his hip acted up on some days. Neither he nor the doctors knew where it came from and he still wasn’t entirely sure what triggered it. Sometimes, the pain was linked to psychological problems, sometimes it was too much movement and sometimes just sitting in a wrong position or in a bad chair limited his ability to walk to a mere minimum.

He went up to the reception and smiled at the man sitting behind it. “Hi, I’m Kim Jonghyun. I’m here for the background singer audition?”

The receptionist visibly needed a few seconds to get over Jonghyun’s scar but then guilt produced an even brighter smile than would have been normal. “Hi, my name is Jaehwa. Let me quickly check the list,” he looked down onto his desk for a moment, “alright. The meeting room is on this level, you just go through the door over there,” he pointed at a wide glass door on the far right, “and then it’s the second room on the right. Good luck.”

Jonghyun bowed in thanks. As he walked to the room, he could feel his hip flare up slightly because of his nerves but he did his best to ignore it. Sometimes his hip sulked when he didn’t pay it any attention – it would come back more painful later but that would be at home and way easier to deal with than in the SM Entertainment building.

Three of the other four contestants were already waiting. A staff member asked him for his name and gave him a piece of paper with his name and a safety pin to clip into onto his shirt. “But I don’t think you’ll really need it. You’re easily recognizable, aren’t you?” She giggled. Jonghyun refused to reply.

One by one, the contestants were asked to come into a different room. When one came back, another would be called. Jonghyun was the last to go. The room he was taken to was a recording studio filled with several people. Judging by their demeanour and clothes, Jonghyun guessed they were high ranked within the company. An older woman in a form fitting, deep red dress who didn’t seem fazed in the least by his scar, coolly asked him to please go into the recording booth and sing a song of his choice.

One run of his favourite song later, a man in suit gave him a sheet of a song Jonghyun was completely unfamiliar with. But it didn’t take long until he knew how to sing it. The people assessing him didn’t show any reactions to at least gauge how he had done and he felt slightly out of the loop when he was escorted back to the original meeting room. The other men didn’t pay any attention to him, except for curious glances at his scar.

The woman in the red dress and two men entered the room half an hour later. Jonghyun quickly put his phone away. “We thank you all for coming today. All of you have exceptional voices and we would love to work together with you. For this particular position however, we decided that Kim Jonghyun fits best. Thank you all very much for coming. Kim Jonghyun, if you could please stay for a moment so we can tell you how we plan to proceed?” The man’s smile was surprisingly warm. Jonghyun was too shocked to smile back. Considering his experiences right after his accident, when he had still thought that he could live a normal life despite the scar, he had been sure he wouldn’t be picked. People usually couldn’t see past appearances, not when such a big disfigurement was involved.

The three SM Entertainment employees and Jonghyun gathered around a table in the corner of the room as soon as the other contestants had left – not without dirty or disbelieving looks at Jonghyun. “So, Jonghyun, this won’t take long.” The woman said. “We’re just going to explain to you what exactly this audition was for and how the next days are planned.”

“Al-” he cleared his throat, “alright.”

The man who hadn’t talked before coughed. “I’m Gyeongshik, the manager of the band SHINee. Have you heard of them?” Jonghyun nodded. “They are quite well-known but we all agree that they could be way more popular. We think they are lacking a bit in their songs, mainly because the voices of the youngest haven’t fully developed yet. We would like to try recording a few songs with you to see whether it would improve the quality of their songs. That means you would not be a full part of the band when it comes to the music but you would definitely have a more important position than regular background singers. What do you think?”

Jonghyun contemplated for a few seconds. It sounded perfect for him, if he was being honest with himself. “I would love to do it.” He said truthfully and was rewarded with pleased smiles all around the table.

“Great.” Gyeongshik announced. “If you could come next Tuesday at 3 o’clock? Then you could meet the boys and we can go over some details. I will give you my number so if you have anything preventing you from showing up, please tell me as soon as possible.”

Jonghyun just nodded numbly.

 

  
When Gyeongshik left the dorm to head to his mother’s birthday party, he said, just in passing, “Oh, by the way, you guys are getting a specially appointed background singer. You’ll meet him tomorrow.” And then he left. Kibum closed the door after him and turned to look at the others and arched an eyebrow.

“Oh by the way?” He mimicked the manager in a mocking tone. “Is that really something that doesn’t need a special discussion?”

Taemin, with Minho’s arm around his waist, shook his head.

Jinki stared at his feet, frowning.

“C’mon Jinki, say something.” Kibum snapped.

“What do you want me to say?” Came the reply. “Yay us, we managed to make management second guess their decision to debut us as a band? Hurray Gyeongshik, for not at least warning us that would happen? Wohoo that other guy for being able to look down on us because management apparently thinks we’re not good enough without him?”

“Ouch Jinki, that hurt.” Minho winced and let go of Taemin.

“Well the truth hurts sometimes.” Jinki growled irritably. He was just about to go to their bedroom when Kibum stopped him.

“Oh no, no fleeing now, we can’t leave this conversation as it is. Taemin, what do you think?”

“Me?” The youngest asked, still awkward when all attention was on him, even two years after debut.

“Yes, Taemin, you.” Kibum sighed.

“Um… I don’t like how Gyeongshik said it but as long as he is not put into SHINee as a full member I don’t really see a problem?”

“That’s actually a pretty good point.” Minho nodded. “If he’s just a background singer, his influence won’t be too big and the public doesn’t have to know.”

“But the fact remains that we seem to not be good enough on our own so they did something they never did before and hired someone to be in the background of just our songs so we don’t sound like shit. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed early.” Jinki stomped towards the bedroom door. This time, Kibum didn’t try to hold him back.

“I’m meeting Woohyun tonight.” He told Minho and Taemin. “I’ll try to be quiet when I get back.”

“Yes please, last time you woke us all up with how drunk you were.” Minho grinned but it was obvious he was still pissed off about that episode. “So, Minnie, how about some PlayStation before we go to bed?” He ruffled Taemin’s hair, beaming when he got a nod in response.

 

 

Jonghyun was sitting in a lone meeting room. He had been exceptionally nervous in the morning and changed his outfit six times before his mother had finally shoved him out of the door. At least his hip was only slightly painful so his limp was barely noticeable.

“Do we really need a background singer specially appointed to us?” A male voice asked on the other side of the door. “Are we that bad on our own?”

Jonghyun instantly felt bad for the boy asking. He sounded so quiet and insecure.

“Of course not,” that was the manager’s voice. “You guys wouldn’t have debuted already if anyone here thought you weren’t good enough, alright? You know that. No, we just have to experiment for some time, especially until your and Minho’s voices are fully developed.”

“Ok, that makes sense.” That was another voice, one that held slightly more authority than the first one. But that boy sounded rather reluctant to Jonghyun. He tensed slightly on his seat.

“Oh and one more thing before we go in boys. Just so you know: he’s had an accident a while ago and his face looks a bit weird. Or rather, you can call it kind of disfigured with a big scar on the side. Just, you know, don’t stare at him and don’t make any weird comments.”

Jonghyun shrunk into himself, simultaneously hating and loving Gyeongshik for warning the band beforehand. He hated that it was necessary to warn others about his appearance before they saw him. But it was preferable to the initial look of shock on the face over everyone who saw his disfigurement for the first time.

The door opened and the manager and the band entered the meeting room. Jonghyun had done a bit of YouTube research in preparation for this meeting and was relieved to see that the boys wore normal clothing with no make-up. (However, he would have been able to convince himself that they were not as flawless looking as they actually were.)

The four looked at him for a few seconds before one walked forward resolutely and took Jonghyun’s hand. “Hi, I’m Kim Kibum. Nice to meet you. Don’t worry, your face doesn’t look as bad as Gyeongshik said. You were able to hear us, right?”

Jonghyun’s eyes were wider than usual as he answered, his hand still in Kibum’s. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was. I’m Kim Jonghyun.”

Another band member stepped forward with a smile so sweet Jonghyun momentarily felt like melting. “My name is Choi Minho, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Unlike Kibum, he did a formal bow and Jonghyun hurried to reciprocate.

The boy who was obviously the youngest of the bunch looked up at the other remaining boy. The other had his arms crossed over his chest – a gesture that fit to the sceptical frown on his face. His eyes wandered over Jonghyun but didn’t linger on his face. Eventually he stepped forward (the youngest hurried after him) and bowed as well. “Lee Jinki.”

The boy behind Jinki murmured a quiet “I’m Lee Taemin, nice to meet you” towards his shoes. 

“Oh don’t mind Jinki, he hasn’t been in the greatest mood today.” Kibum announced good-naturedly and slung one arm around Jonghyun’s shoulder. “Usually he’s a ray of sunshine.” Minho and Taemin both nodded from their seats next to each other at the table, across from Jonghyun. They sat closer than would be considered normal.

After Jinki had settled down next to Taemin and Kibum next to Jonghyun, the manager cleared his throat to get the boys’ attention.

 

 

 

A Thursday two weeks after the first meeting would be the day for Jonghyun to officially start recording with SHINee. They met up the weekend before, in a café close to Jonghyun’s home, to get to know each other a bit better. It had been Minho’s idea.

Just like Kibum had implied, Jinki had a surprisingly sunny personality when he was in a good mood.

“You know,” he said conspiratorially after a couple of non-alcoholic beers. “I have to admit, I really wasn’t impressed by the management’s idea about a fixed background singer. Of course we had background singers all the time. But, you know, your role isn’t the same.” Jinki blinked, it looked like he tried to get rid of something obscuring his vision. “But, you seem cool. Like, we could probably get along.” 

Kibum, next to Jonghyun, nodded vigorously. Minho and Taemin didn’t pay attention – Minho because he was half asleep and Taemin because he was drawing circles on Minho’s back. Jonghyun decided not to question it for now. He didn’t know those boys, didn’t know how their group worked. He had noticed however, that they had only talked about work. There had been no anecdotes about mutual friends, no recounting of funny episodes outside of shooting sets or recording rooms.

They gave Jonghyun the impression that they didn’t go out often - at least not as a group.

When it got too late for Taemin and Jinki (who apparently needed a lot of sleep), Kibum insisted he would pay for their drinks. Jonghyun protested and wanted to get up to accompany Kibum to the bar but his hip flared up in pain and he collapsed back onto his chair. Minho was immediately alert. “Jonghyun? Are you alright?”

Jonghyun felt his face burn. He had already done his best to ignore the sometimes blatant stares at his face – he didn’t need to have everyone ogling at his inability to walk as well. “It’s fine.” He managed a weak smile. “It’s just not been the same since the accident. The hip apparently doesn’t like the seats here.” Maybe they were too soft.

“Oh.” He didn’t know who had said it. It could have been Jinki or Taemin, judging by the direction the sound had come from. They both looked awkward, especially Taemin.

“Well then,” Kibum took the reins. “Minho, would you help Jonghyun outside? Jinki, you’re the driver, you go and get the car.”

Jinki looked appropriately put off about being ordered around by someone younger than him but he didn’t question Kibum’s words. Both of them left and Minho came to Jonghyun’s side. “It’s a good thing I’m taller than you, huh?” He grinned mischievously. Jonghyun stared at him for a few seconds, trying to figure out just how offended he should be. But he could see no malice in Minho’s or Taemin’s eyes, only mirth. So he huffed, mock-hurt and announced, as dramatically as he could muster, “What would I ever do without my tall knight in shining armour?”

One more second of silence, then Minho, Jonghyun and Taemin burst into laughter.

They were still giggling when they got o the car, Jonghyun’s arm securely tucked in Minho’s to allow him to take some of the pressure off his leg. Taemin was occasionally patting his back.

Jinki raised an eyebrow from where he sat behind the wheel. “What’s so funny?”

Minho helped Jonghyun into the passenger seat before Taemin answered, already in the middle in the back. “Jonghyun, he-“ he gasped for breath, “he called Minho a tall knight in shining armour.” Kibum came back to a car full of giggles. Minho explained the reason to him as well. Kibum had a loud, almost raucous laughter.

Jinki and Minho helped Jonghyun to his door. He had tried to refuse, usually he preferred to not have anyone help him; he preferred feeling independent. But Jinki and Minho had insisted and Jonghyun had quickly realised that Jinki’s blinding smiles coupled with Minho’s pout were irresistible.

 

 

 

On the day of the recording, Jonghyun was able to walk again. The receptionist had glanced at him briefly upon his entrance into the building and immediately directed him to the recording studio with a wide smile and no question about his name. Jonghyun was aware that he had only recognized him because of the scar but. It was nice to imagine he was important enough to be well known around the company.

Several people were already in the studio, waiting for the band to arrive. Introductions were made and Jonghyun received a bunch of sheets full of lyrics, notes and instructions. He did his best to try and at least roughly memorize the outlines of each of the three songs. However, the occasional glances in his direction and two women in the corner who were obviously whispering about him, were disrupting his concentration again and again.

Jinki and Kibum and Gyeongshik – finally – entered the room. They bowed deeply in apology for their lateness. Taemin and Minho were, according to them, on their way, having been caught in traffic after going out for lunch together.

“Hi Jonghyun,” Kibum flopped down in the seat next to him and they both watched Jinki going through organisational discussions with the production team. (It astounded Jonghyun just how quickly he had come acquainted with those boys, after only two meetings.)

“Why is it only him doing that stuff? Why aren’t you talking to them as well?”

“He’s the leader.” Kibum shrugged. “He knows what we want, mostly, because he always asks us beforehand. It’s easier for just one person to speak than to have four opinions at once.

“Huh, that makes sense.” Jonghyun muttered, wondering how Jinki handled that amount of responsibility. He must constantly be worried that he wasn’t fulfilling his bandmates wishes and – Jonghyun would bet – probably put his own desire behind the other three’s.

Minho and Taemin announced themselves with the sound running feet and muffled laughter, two minutes before they actually entered the recording studio. They bowed cheerfully with wide smiles on their faces. The recording started a few minutes later which were spent with Minho excitedly telling Jonghyun about their lunch. Taemin talked quietly with Jinki, Kibum was on his phone. “Alright,” one of the producers announced. “We will start with the chorus of the first song, then I want the primary parts and before we get into all the overlapping stuff, we will record Jonghyun’s parts to see how it sounds. Alright?”

Watching SHINee record was brilliant. Jonghyun had never been witness to a real recording process and it gave him a new sense of awe towards singers. The producers made the boys sing the chorus eleven times before they were satisfied. Jonghyun didn’t really detect any differences between the different takes but then again, he was very much unfamiliar with this environment. Especially one producer and Gyeongshik were not easy on Jinki, Kibum, Minho and Taemin. They bellowed instructions and insults and even after the last version, when they were allegedly satisfied, they just grumbled “well, we suppose that will have to do”. Jonghyun felt really bad for the boys.

“I think you were great.” He mumbled to Kibum and Minho when they sat down close to him.

“Thank you,” Minho smiled gratefully. “Those two together are always a nightmare. But psss, it’s Jinki’s turn. That’s always the best part.”

As if on cue, Taemin came skidding into the room, back from the toilet. “Did I miss anything?”

“No, he’s just about to start.” Kibum replied and patted the seat next to him.

Jonghyun was perplexed about their enthusiasm about Jinki’s singing – surely they have heard it multiple times and they all were singers themselves, why would they be so awestruck – until Jinki actually started. Jonghyun had heard some SHINee songs of course, he’d even listened to some live performances and he knew that Jinki had a very nice voice. But nothing could have prepared him for how he sounded in a studio that was bound to bring out the best out of everyone’s voice. The song probably also played a role, since it was a slow, romantic ballad. But most of the effect was Jinki’s voice itself as it washed soothingly over Jonghyun’s body, calming him. He realized he had a smile on his face and tears in his eyes when Jinki stopped.

“He’s amazing, isn’t he?” Minho whispered. Jonghyun could just nod.

When Jinki was done, Taemin and Minho excused themselves to quickly say hello to a friend of theirs – Jongin if Jonghyun heard correctly. Kibum and Jinki changed places and Jonghyun could only smile at Jinki for several seconds when he sat down next to him. “I love your voice.” He eventually blurted out, feeling slightly bashful.

“Oh thank you.” Jinki looked just as shy as Jonghyun felt.

They listened to Kibum for a while until Jonghyun finally asked the question that had been on the tip of his tongue for as long as he had known the boys. “Jinki?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask a question?”

“Of course,” Jinki smiled.

“What’s up with Taemin and Minho?” God, he really hoped he wasn’t crossing any boundaries with this question. “Are they really, you know, together?”

There’s a short silence then, unexpectedly, Gyeongshik answered. “You’d think they are, wouldn’t you?” He didn’t take his gaze off Kibum in the recording booth.

“We’ll talk later, alright?” Jinki muttered and Jonghyun takes the cue to focus on Kibum’s rapping again.

Soon enough, it was Jonghyun’s turn. He was unbearably nervous as he took his position behind the mic. “Alright Jonghyun,” Gyeongshik smiled. “We know you haven’t really done this before and don’t worry, we have time. Remember, we picked you out of a few thousand applicants because you are extremely talented. Everything I or Myungsoon say will not be meant in a way that you can’t sing, just that the way you sang did not quite fit our visions for the song. Ok?” Behind him, Kibum and Taemin held up their thumbs and Jinki and Minho smiled brightly at him.

“Ok,” Jonghyun breathed, smiling as well.

The recording turned out to be a breeze. There were a few times where Jonghyun had to remind himself of Gyeongshik words to keep his self-esteem but mostly it worked perfectly fine. When he was done and allowed to stumble out of the booth, Minho and Kibum were immediately on him. They both offered their arms and their compliments and while Jonghyun did wonder how they knew that the long standing would take a toll on his hip, he was happy about their care.

“Your voice is really amazing!” Minho exclaimed enthusiastically. “You should’ve told us that you’re such a good singer.”

Kibum on Jonghyun’s other side rolled his eyes. “Otherwise he wouldn’t have been picked.” He muttered but then smiled widely as well. “But Minho is right, you sound great. I can’t wait to see how the song sounds in the end.”

They reached the sofa and Jonghyun was slowly lowered onto the cushions next to Taemin. The staff looked at him sceptically but to his relief nobody said anything. “I’m impressed.” Jinki admitted with a fond smile. “I knew you would be good but I wasn’t prepared for that.” He emphasized the last word. Taemin nodded vigorously. The DJ called them over to show them a temporary version of the song. This time it was Jinki who helped Jonghyun. The whole room listened to the track and when Jonghyun looked around, he could see a satisfied smile on every face.

“Wow,” Kibum muttered when the song was over. “I thought we sounded great before but Jonghyun is definitely a good addition.”

Everyone agreed. Jonghyun beamed.

 

 

Hi Jonghyun, it’s Kibum. I’m sorry if this is too sudden but would you maybe like to come over later? Jinki’s not feeling too good and it usually helps to have someone over. Gyeongshik can pick you up.

Jonghyun stared at the text message for 30 seconds, then continued to stare at a blank screen for another minute. They had agreed not to exchange numbers to ensure the privacy of the band and Jonghyun had not expected to ever be at their dorm. He had thought they would be incredibly selective about who they let know where they lived – and technically speaking, they were only co-workers. That Kibum invited him over after only two months of knowing each other either meant that he had seriously misjudged their position – or they trusted him more than he thought. He had seen them several times since the first recording, sometimes for work, sometimes they had gone out for drinks.

Sure, I can come. When?

Awesome!! ^_^ Gyeongshik will be there in 30 minutes. See you later! (Taemin and Minho say hi)

When he told his mother that he probably wouldn’t be home for dinner (it was already four in the afternoon after all) she almost cried tears of joy. “It’s been so long since you’ve genuinely met with other people.” She sniffled. “And you’ve seen those boys several times before, right?” When Jonghyun nodded, she hugged him tightly and insisted he had to bring snacks with him to make a good impression.

“Mum, I’m pretty sure they-“ he started but she waved him off.

“Nonsense, I will make you something you can take. You can help me, if you want.”

When Gyeongshik rang the doorbell, Jonghyun and his mother were just done filling the last Tupperware box. The manager raised an eyebrow at the rather huge bag Jonghyun carried to the car but didn’t say anything.

“You won’t give anyone this address, right?” Gyeongshik asked when they park in an underground parking lot. “We had to move two times already and it’s always such a hassle.”

“No of course not.” Jonghyun stuttered slightly. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good.” Gyeongshik gave a tight smile. “And be nice to Jinki, alright?”

He didn’t let Jonghyun ask questions about what happened to Jinki, even though he was truly starting to worry. They took an elevator to the fourth floor and Gyeongshik typed in a password for the door on the right before it opened and Jonghyun was let in. The bag was forgotten.

“I need to go to my friend’s birthday.” Gyeongshik said before he yelled, “Guys! Jonghyun is here!”

Just as he left the dorm again, Kibum rounded the corner into the hallway with a big smile on his face. “Hi Jonghyun nice to see you.”

“Uh, same.” Jonghyun felt slightly uncomfortable. “Do I have to take off my shoes?”

“Oh yes, please, Minho gets insufferable when we forget.” While Jonghyun untied his shoelaces, Kibum kept talking. “I’m sorry to call you over on such short notice but Jinki is really bad today and you’re still kind of a new face; that usually helps. Oh and Taemin has a Taeyeon day today, so don’t be surprised?”

“Taeyeon day?” Jonghyun asked as he straightened up again, now only in socks, but before Kibum could answer, Taemin came into the hallway as well. His hair was clipped back with a deep red butterfly hair clip and he was wearing a summer dress in the same colour as the clip with beige, flowery accents.

“Hi Jonghyun!” He exclaimed, pulling the surprised Jonghyun into a hug.

“Hey Tae,” Jonghyun decided on an impromptu nickname, unsure on what to call him after Kibum mentioned Taeyeon. “You look very pretty.”

“Aww, thank you.” Taemin beamed and twirled around a few times to let Jonghyun admire his whole outfit. “Kibum got me the dress some weeks ago. It’s so nice.” He left again, inexplicably elegant on his bare feet.

“Yeah, he has those days.” Kibum muttered behind Jonghyun. “I guess the correct term is gender fluid? He definitely identifies as male though, so don’t worry about correct pronouns. But I’m sure there is something else, his whole personality changes slightly on the Taeyeon days. Oh well, as long as he’s happy, I guess.” He shrugged. “Let’s go say hi to Minho, I’m sure he’s gaming and too absorbed to stop, and then you can see Jinki.”

“What’s up with Jinki anyway? Gyeongshik also said I have to be nice to him.”

“We’re actually not quite sure,” Kibum started walking. “The company is afraid to let him see a therapist because word could get out, you know? But we think it’s a form of depression.”

Jonghyun felt a chill go down his spine. “Depression? But he always seems so happy on stage and his smile-“

“Yeah.” Kibum nodded sadly. “But I guess sad people have the brightest smiles.”

They entered a living room where Minho was staring at a TV screen full of small digital football players and Taemin was lying on the sofa, his feet in Minho’s lap and a Nintendo in front of his face. Minho was too concentrated to acknowledge Jonghyun and Kibum just led him to one of the doors in the small hallways leading away from the living room.

“Just talk to him for a bit. Don’t worry, we’re not expecting you to make him normal,” Kibum made quotation marks in the air at the word, “but it helps him to see that many people care.”

Jonghyun only nodded, feeling slightly less burdened after Kibum’s words.

Kibum knocked on the door. “Jinki? Jonghyun came to visit. Can he come in?” There was a muffled reply but Kibum seemed to either know what Jinki said or he didn’t care because he opened the door, shoved Jonghyun inside and closed it again.

The room was dark, no lights were on and the blinds were pulled down that they only allowed a bare minimum of light to filter through. Jonghyun could just make out the silhouettes of a big closet on the wall opposite of him, next to the window, and two bunk beds on either side of the room. He guessed the big lump on the lower bed on his left was Jinki. Carefully, he made his way over and, in lack of a better option, sat down on the mattress next to the lump – hunched over uncomfortably as to not split his head open on the upper bed.

“Hi Jinki, it’s me, Jonghyun.” He tried for a more casual tone, not too obviously concerned but he knew he failed.

The lump heaved a sigh. “Hi Jonghyun. I’m sorry for the mess in here.”

“Don’t worry, I can’t see anything anyways.” Jonghyun smiled and they lapsed into silence. He contemplated patting Jinki comfortingly but he had no idea which part of Jinki’s body was under the blanket closest to him – that and he wasn’t sure whether he knew Jinki enough to be able to comfortably do that gesture. After approximately 15 minutes without either of them making a sound, he tried again.

“Hey Jinki, I realized you never answered my question in the first recording.”

“What did you ask again?” Jinki sounded slightly more alive.

“About Taemin and Minho, because those two really act like a couple sometimes.”

“Oh right.” The lump started to move and Jonghyun could see Jinki’s face appear next to him. “Yeah, I didn’t want to say anything in front of Gyeongshik. We all love him but that topic makes him uncomfortable and we don’t want to make him choose.”

Jonghyun hummed in agreement. That sounded very thoughtful.

“So yeah, they are not really a couple. Minho told us he is asexual – do you know what that means?”

Jonghyun nodded. For a while after the accident he had thought he might have been – or turned – asexual until he had actually looked the term up and realized that he did not fit the descriptions. He still felt attracted to people but the accident and the insecurities that came with his injuries had taken his lust.

“But he also said he’s pan-romantic which we all found quite fits.” Jinki smiled and even though Jonghyun loved Jinki’s smile, the sentence Kibum had said about the smile was still dominant in his mind. “Taemin is mostly confused right now, to be honest. He is still Taeyeon at the moment, right?”

“Yeah.”

“That started after we had to cross-dress for a mini drama, right after debut. You should look it up, Taemin looked adorable. Anyway, after that he started having days where he felt more like wearing a skirt. I guess the acting awoke something in his mind.” Short silence, then: “Sorry, where were we going with his?”

“I asked about Taemin and Minho.” Jonghyun couldn’t help the affection seeping into his smile.

“Oh right! So, yeah, Taemin is mostly confused, mainly about what his gender identity does with his sexuality. Kibum and I think he’s bi because he doesn’t seem to differentiate in who he finds attractive. That could also be pan though…”

Jonghyun decided to not ask about the difference.

“So, they’re not together because they are both not quite sure who they are right now and they probably wouldn’t be able to make it work between the two of them at the moment, especially with the question what Minho’s sexuality means in a relationship. But there is definitely potential in the future. That sums it up quite nicely I think.”

“I didn’t know how to handle Taeyeon when I saw him.” Jonghyun admitted quietly after a few silent seconds. “I like to think of myself as tolerant and open but now I’m not sure how to talk to him.”

A hand patted his thigh. “Don’t worry, Taemin still identifies as male, so he is perfectly fine. He would tell you otherwise. He’s not easily offended, a trait that comes with our job, I guess. And something about him and Minho again: I think that Minho feels very safe to Taemin. Taemin debuted when he was too young and he transforms when he dances and trust me, the female sexuality can be surprisingly dark. It’s incredible how over-sexualized he is on social media. So the fact that Minho can’t possibly have ulterior sexual motives is probably very comforting.”

They let themselves be enveloped by silence again but this time it was more comfortable. A silence that was chosen, rather than forced was always preferred by Jonghyun – especially since he chose silence a lot of times. He felt Jinki tug hesitantly on his t-shirt and it took a while for him to understand what Jinki was trying to communicate but eventually he was lying down and Jinki was pressed against his side. Jonghyun could have sworn he heard a small, whispered “thank you” but he wasn’t too sure. The position seemed to intimate for the status of their acquaintanceship. But Jonghyun had so often wished for someone to cling onto in his darkest hours – someone who wasn’t family, who wasn’t obligated to be there for him – that he felt a deep sense of satisfaction to be able to help Jinki in that way. Jinki hadn’t sounded like himself; the usually either awkward or self-assured young man had disappeared for an insecure lump on a bed that seemed way too big even though it was so small. It was an oppressive experience.

As he let his hand wander absentmindedly over Jinki’s hair he wondered whether the boys did this kind of thing for each other. Did they ever cuddle up in front of a TV? Did they hold each other when they missed their families? He didn’t doubt that Minho and Taemin did – those two seemed like they did not need a reason to cuddle up. But when had they started to be this close? Had it begun before they were old enough to challenge their identities beyond society’s expectations and limits? Or had that challenge brought them together, made them cling onto each other to find reassurance and validation from someone who struggled with similar problems? Did Jinki have anyone who understood what he was going through? Jonghyun may have had some dark times right after the accident but he knew he had never been clinically depressed. A good therapist had worked through his insecurities and fears with him for several months and the only issue that was left was a nagging feeling of “not-being-quite-good-enough”, especially when people openly ogled his scars. He hadn’t been able to keep in touch with his old friends, neither of them had been able to handle the changes. He didn’t blame them, he could understand. But his insecurities had prevented him from finding new people and especially now, while he was comforting Jinki, he realized how much he had missed genuinely affectionate human interaction.

A strip of light illuminated the floor in front of the door and let the room reveal more contours to Jonghyun’s eyes – and the empty wrappers of candy bars next to the bed. “Oh,” he heard a soft voice exclaim. Minho’s face peeked through the gap of the door.

It was a spur of the moment decision but before he could stop himself Jonghyun asked quietly, “Do you want to join?” Jinki stirred and Jonghyun wondered whether he had actually been asleep or just very, very quiet.

Minho seemed hesitant. “Can I?”

“Of course,” Jinki mumbled. “The more the merrier.”

Jonghyun smiled, relieved to be able to make out the usual tone of Jinki’s voice. He still sounded quieter than normal, a bit slower and like he was speaking around something in his throat. But they were getting there, he knew it.

“I’ll ask whether Kibum and Taemin want to come as well.” Minho announced softly. He left the door open. A minute later, the three boys shuffled inside. Jinki hadn’t moved.

“Well, that’s new.” Kibum stated matter-of-factly.

“But comfy,” Minho smiled and climbed over Jonghyun to fit himself to Jinki’s back. Taemin giggled and did the same to Minho and eventually Jonghyun lay on his back and the whole band of SHINee was spooning next to him. It was hot and sweaty but also comforting and reassuring. Those boys had never treated him differently. Of course, they acknowledged his limited mobility on some days but it was never blown out of proportion. They cared for him without pitying him and it was more than Jonghyun had ever hoped for finding in one person, let alone four.

“We should do this more often.” Jinki whispered quietly. But in the silence of the room, all of them heard it.

“We will,” Kibum promised. “Anything for you, Jinki.”

Jonghyun had to swallow several times to get rid of the tears threatening to overspill.

“Hey Jonghyun,” Jinki began, after they had spent 10 minutes in a comfortable silence. “Are you, by any chance, ticklish?”

“Huh?” But before Jonghyun had fully registered Jinki’s words, fingers were already tweaking his side. He let out a startled shout and flailed, almost falling off the bed.

“You are!” Jinki exclaimed happily and moved so he could use both hands for the torture. Jonghyun could hear the laughter of the other three and he didn’t have the heart to tell them that not only did he despise the feeling of being tickled, the previous position coupled with the flailing was exceptionally bad for his hip. He played along as enthusiastically as he could until Minho and Kibum had joined as well, causing him to really fall off the bed in the end.

“Umf,” he groaned on the floor. “You should really invest carpeted floor.”

“Oh God, Jonghyun, are you ok?!” Minho was next to him almost immediately. Taemin, Jinki and Kibum peered over the edge of the bed.

“I’m fine,” Jonghyun started giggling at the absolute absurdity of the situation. “Just peachy.” He laughed louder.

“Oh great, now he’s turning crazy.” Kibum exclaimed theatrically but it was clear that he was just as amused as the rest of them.

“Come on, let’s go to the living room.” Minho said and helped him up. “Are you fine walking or do you want help?”

“I’ll help!” Jinki volunteered after seeing Jonghyun’s facial expression. “And let’s order pizza now. My treat.”

Kibum and Taemin cheered and dragged Minho to the kitchen to go hunt for the leaflet of the pizza delivery service.

“Thank you Jonghyun.” Jinki said earnestly as they slowly progressed toward the living room. “You really helped.”

Jonghyun didn’t know what to say so he kept silent but he smiled at Jinki in a way that he hoped made the other understand how very welcome he was. Jinki brought a chair for Jonghyun, already familiar with the fact that soft cushions like the sofa didn’t not help the hip in the least when it was bad.

“Do you think they would make fun of for ordering the chicken pizza?” Jinki looked up at him from where he sat on the couch, right next to Jonghyun’s chair.

“Why would they?”

“The company gave me this really weird concept of a clumsy chicken lover and I have to admit I am quite clumsy but the others make so much fun of me when I show any signs of that stage persona. And now to show that I’m actually really, really fond of chicken, I’m sure they won’t stop laughing.” Jinki scrunched up his face in an over exaggerated, embarrassed manner and blinked at Jonghyun and Jonghyun had to admit, he actually looked quite cute.

Before he could answer, Kibum stood in front of them with a phone in his hand. “So, Jinki, you’ll get the chicken pizza,” he grinned gleefully. Jinki groaned and hid his face in his hands. “What do you want Jonghyun?”

Jonghyun placed his order – a small margarita – and Kibum left to call the delivery service. Jinki threw a cushion after him but it hit the floor several meters before it came even close to Kibum. “I hate him sometimes.” He huffed, his arms crossed in front of his chest. “He’s awful.”

 

 

 

After his first visit, it took a while for Jonghyun to come to the SHINee dorm again. He wasn’t sure why that was – he hadn’t felt unwelcome and not once had it seemed like the boys didn’t want him over. But he wasn’t in a lot of contact with either of them anyway so he could just guess they had a lot of work to do. He had only gotten one text on the morning after his visit, from Minho this time but in the name of the whole band, thanking him and his mother for the food they had made, which Gyeongshik had found in his car. They promised they would return the Tupperware.

Songdam brought answers in form of an excited, overly loud entrance into the house. “Jonghyunie! Here.” She excitedly pulled their mother’s laptop closer to her on the table where Jonghyun was writing and typed a rather long request into the search bar. “Look at that.” Satisfied, she leaned back in her seat.

Jonghyun got up to stand next to hear and bent over to get closer to the desktop, having forgotten his glasses upstairs. New SHINee song leaked – definitely worth a listen, screamed at him from the top of the page. He directed his eyes downwards, to the article underneath a big picture of the band on stage during their last promotional circle. It talked about the fresh sound of the song, a new impression unusual for SHINee but very much welcomed by the author of the article. The last part read:

When asked about the difference, the management only admitted to a change in the background line-up. The name Jonghyun was mentioned in passing but we could receive no more information on the, admittedly rather common, name. But we can hope that the band’s current activities in Japan to gain popularity, coupled with this new song will allude to a comeback in the near future. SHINee fighting!!

Jonghyun briefly rolled his eyes about the obvious bias the author showed for the band. But then he realized what the article had actually said.

“Oh shit.” He got out his phone and quickly sent a message to Kibum and Minho.

Just saw that one of the songs got leaked. Are you guys alright?

“What are you doing?” Trust Songdam to be nosy in every possible situation.

“I’m asking Minho and Kibum whether they’re alright with a leaked song.”

“You have their number?” Jonghyun sighed good naturedly at his sister’s squeal.

“Yeah, only those two though. And the manager of course.”

“So cool.” Songdam was in awe. When Jonghyun’s phone vibrated, she was at it quicker than him, despite the fact that it was in his hands. “Key, I mean Kibum, replied! Wait, I’ll read it to you: Didn’t Gyeongshik tell you? That leak was planned, to see how the general public reacts to your voice. Sorry, we should’ve made sure you know. Taemin suggests you come over for dinner so we can say sorry, I’ll make pasta. Oh God Jonghyun, I can’t believe how cool you are!”

“Yah, I knew I shouldn’t have let you know my password.” Jonghyun laughed and snatched his phone back.

Sure, that sounds nice. Just tell me when and where, he texted back. He was glad the boys didn’t seem to not want to see him anymore. After the unexpected cuddle session last time, he had worried they might’ve felt uncomfortable around him.

We’re back in Korea in 4 days… Maybe on Tuesday night? Then we’ll have one day to rest and be normal again ^_^

 

 

 

A week after the apology dinner, which had also ended in a cuddle pile even though Jinki had been feeling fine, Jonghyun was called for a meeting with the management. On the phone Gyeongshik had said the band wouldn’t be there but he would, as well as some producers and several executive employees. The prospect of having to meet all those important people had Jonghyun nervously biting his fingernails for two days straight. Minho and Taemin tried to ease his anxiety with a skype call the day before. It had helped considerably, especially when Jinki joined them when he got home and launched into funny anecdotes about every person they thought could be there. With tears of laughter running down his face, Jonghyun decided Myungsoon could never be scary to him again.

The receptionist had changed, Jonghyun realized as he entered the building. He had been so used to Jaehwa greeting him, the sight of the young woman almost threw him off a bit.

“Good morning,” she greeted with a bright and genuine smile. “You’re Kim Jonghyun, right? The one with the scar Jaehwa told me about?”

He bit his lip and swallowed the lump of humiliation in his throat. “Yes, yes that’s me.” His voice sounded scratchy.

“Great! You’re expected in room M227 in ten minutes. That’s just up to second floor and then at the end of the hallway to your left. It’s a short walk but I see you’re not limping today so it should be fine.”

Jonghyun stared at her, wishing, for a moment, that she had bad intentions so he could comfortably be mad at her. But it was clear to him that she had meant no harm and her social skills were just probably underdeveloped. He was sure she was a nice person – just maybe in the wrong job.

“Yeah, it’s a good day today.” He forced a smile but he could feel his mood dropping. “I will find it, I’m sure. Thank you very much”

“Have a good meeting!” She called after him with a wave.

Jonghyun grimaced to himself on his way to the lift. How he loathed that scar. But the receptionist was right, he wasn’t limping. He probably had Minho and Taemin and Jinki’s funny stories to thank for that. Gyeongshik passed the lift just as Jonghyun got off. “Oh, hi Jonghyun, you’re here already.” He greeted in his usual business-like manner. “I’m afraid I can’t walk to the room with you, I’m in a hurry.”

Jonghyun could feel his mood worsen even more. “Oh no, don’t worry that’s alright. Don’t let my problems bother you.” He was almost disappointed Gyeongshik didn’t seem to have caught the accusation in his tone. It would have been great to just keep up with Gyeongshik’s brisk pace, just to show him that he was not always a burden. But, sadly, he knew his hip was sensitive, especially when he was in a bad mood, so he had to take it slow. Still, he did his best to walk normally, to at least give off the impression of casual normalcy.

He was one of the first people in the room, aside from Gyeongshik and a producer he recognized from one of the recording sessions. They didn’t engage in small talk. The meeting started three minutes after the appointed time. One of the executive employees, to Jonghyun’s understanding the highest ranked person in the room, cleared her throat and looked at Jonghyun. Her gaze lingered on his face a bit longer, a bit more intensely than would be polite but that was nothing Jonghyun wasn’t used to.

“So, Jonghyun, I’m sure you heard about the leaked song?”

He nodded. It felt like an interrogation already.

“Then you have probably also heard of the positive critics and reviews it has received so far. We are all very pleased with that development.”

Everyone around the table nodded and smiled. Jonghyun’s palms were slightly sweaty – he had no way of knowing their names, how could he know which one of Jinki’s stories was about who?

“The reason for this meeting,” a man on the other side of the table continued, “is to draft a contract with you to make sure you will stay with us for some time. There has also been talk about making you a real, permanent member of SHINee but I’m sure you will see how that idea had to immediately be dismissed as soon as Gyeongshik told us about your. Let’s call it precarious situation.”

Jonghyun stood up and smiled widely. “That sounds like it’s going to be a lot of work which shouldn’t be interrupted. I’ll better go to the toilet now, rather than later.” And with that he fled – slowly and dignified, of course. He remembered that he had passed a restroom in the hallway and there it was, almost right next to the meeting room. He locked himself into the small room and fished his phone out of his pocket. His fingers were shaking so badly it was hard to hit the right spots on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Minho?” Jonghyun’s voice was shaking just as much as his hands. “Am I calling at a bad time?”

“Not really, we’re in the practice room right now but the teacher isn’t here for the moment. Are you alright, Jonghyun?”

“I… I… no, I don’t think so. Why are people so cruel Minho?” He was openly crying now.

“Where are you right now? Aren’t you with Gyeongshik?” It was impressive how calm Minho sounded.

“In the restroom next to M227.” Jonghyun hiccupped.

“Jinki and I will be there as soon as we can.”

“But-“

“No buts, we’ll be there. Don’t move.”

The phone clicked and Jonghyun stared at it disbelieving, watching his tears splash onto the screen. It really didn’t take long until a knock was heard and Jinki’s voice came through the door. “Jonghyun? Are you here?”

Jonghyun didn’t react for a few seconds, too perplexed that they had really come. Or rather, only Jinki had come. He saw Jonghyun’s confused look and smiled soothingly. “The choreographer has a move he wants to practice with Minho and Kibum so he had to stay. And Taemin is horrible at consoling people so we all agreed he should stay as well. Can I come in?”

Jonghyun stepped aside mutely, suddenly hyperaware of how crappy he must look. He had never been able to hide his tears well and his face, in that same fashion, refused to let them vanish quickly. It was incredibly easy to tell whether he had cried. That, coupled with the scar had to be horrendous. But Jinki didn’t say anything. He closed the door, making the room quite cramped, and opened his arms in a silent offer. And did Jonghyun take it. He took the one step almost in flight and buried himself in Jinki, revelling in the sensation of the other being taller and sturdier than him.

“Why would they tell me that Jinki?” It broke out of him eventually, almost violently. “What gives them the right to tell me when it’s not possible anyway? Why are they so cruel?” His voice broke again.

Jinki sighed deeply and moved them carefully until he was seated on the closed toilet seat and Jonghyun sideways on his lap. Jonghyun was too far gone to realize how intimate their position was.

“What did they say?”

Jonghyun took a shaky breath. “They like my voice and they want to make a contract with me to make sure I stay here for long. And apparently,” he needed another moment, “apparently they had even contemplated letting me be part of SHINee before they knew about me. Like, you know, knew everything.” His grip on Jinki’s shirt tightened and he wanted to go on but it was impossible. It surprised himself how hard those words had hit him; he had known of course that he would never be able to participate in an idol group. He wasn’t even sure whether he wanted to. But to have those people so blatantly tell them what could have been just hurt. It reminded him of a life he could have had, had that truck driver not had a few beers before hitting the road. He could have been around Jinki, Taemin, Minho and Kibum on a regular basis, have a group he could identify with, not be alone.

“Shit,” Jinki cursed under his breath and hugged Jonghyun closer to him. He didn’t say ‘I’m sorry’ and Jonghyun was thankful for that. “How about that: I’ll go get your stuff from the meeting room and then we’ll get you a taxi and I’ll tell you how to get into our dorm and we’ll be home in an hour and a half, tops. We can play games or watch TV.”

“Can we do karaoke?” Jonghyun blurted out before he could properly think. “No, wait, you would tell me how to get into your dorm?”

“Yeah, I know we don’t know each other perfectly yet but I really don’t think you would use that information in a way to hurt us, would you?”

“Never!”

“See,” Jinki beamed at him. A part in Jonghyun relaxed. To Jonghyun’s fear that it might be incredibly impolite to just leave, Jinki shook his head vehemently. “After they were so inconsiderate, it’s perfectly alright. I’ll go get your stuff, you wait here.”

So Jonghyun waited. He watched Jinki’s back as the other entered the meeting room. As soon as the door closed, muffled but obviously raised voices were heard and Jinki was back soon, Jonghyun’s jacket in his hands. He brought him outside – the receptionist smiled dreamily at Jinki when they passed – and explained the codes for the doors while they waited for a taxi to arrive.

Jonghyun could see that Jinki waited until the taxi had turned a corner before he made his way back inside the company building.

 

 

 

“Want me to tell you a secret?” Taemin asked out of the blue from his position on the floor between Jonghyun’s legs. Jonghyun just hummed and picked up another strand of Taemin’s hair to braid. The little braids scattered through the hair fit well to the playful dress Taemin was wearing. “Gyeongshik said Jinki was really angry earlier. When he got your jacket? Apparently he kind of screamed at all the people there and when they asked questions he didn’t answer and only told them they would be incredibly lucky if you decided to meet with them again. Man, I wish I’d been there.”

Jonghyun tied one of the tiny ribbons around the end of the last braid. “Why would he do that though?” He mumbled to himself. “And why would you want to see that? Didn’t you tell me some time ago that you’re not good in situations where people openly show their emotions?”

“True,” Taemin shrugged, walking over to the mirror on the wall to examine his hair. “But it’s always great to see Jinki live his feelings because one he doesn’t do it nearly often enough – Minho, Kibum and I are pretty sure he at least wouldn’t be as depressed if he allowed his feelings to actually be felt. And second, Jinki is magnificent when he’s angry, he truly is.”

“He’s right.” Kibum announced as he came into the living and sat down next to Jonghyun. “And the braids look great Minnie.”

“Thanks, Jonghyun did them.” Taemin grinned. Jonghyun tried to, but ultimately failed to give a genuine smile back. He just hoped that no one noticed.

“As soon as Minho, Jinki and Gyeongshik come back we can start with Karaoke and it’s going to be soon so we should prepare snacks. Minnie, you’re taller than me in those heels so you’ll have to help. Jonghyun, it’s perfectly fine if you just wait here, it’s not going to take long.” Kibum got up again and pulled Taemin away.

Jonghyun looked after them and stretched out on the sofa with a sigh. He knew it was a stupid thought but the idea that he was useless because of his height kept nagging in the back of his mind. It was one of those thoughts that only came when he was already down. They always came to stay.

When the others came back, only Gyeongshik came through to the living room at first. He and Jonghyun shared an uncomfortable silence, filled with an effort on both sides to not fully acknowledge the other’s existence. Jonghyun could feel the tense atmosphere eat away at his nerves but he refused to be the first to break it. Both Kibum and Jinki had told him repeatedly that it was Gyeongshik who was at fault; that they admired that Jonghyun hadn’t broken down or screamed in the meeting room. It was Gyeongshik who had to make the step forward.

The manager left as soon as Jinki, Kibum, Minho and Taemin spilled into the room. He did it with such vigour and a look that closely resembled relief on his face that Jonghyun couldn’t help but suspect that he had only been with him because the other boys wanted to be alone for some time. The feeling in his stomach, already low and suffocating, sank even lower.

“Maybe I should just leave,” he muttered and moved to get up but Minho stopped him.

“What are you talking about? The pizza will arrive in a few minutes and Tae even convinced Taesun, his brother, to bring their CDs for Karaoke over. You can’t leave now.”

Taemin nodded earnestly to Minho’s words as he got comfortable pressed up to him, with his legs over Minho’s. “He’s right. We’ve all been looking forward to this.”

Jonghyun managed a weak smile and settled back down. Jinki and Kibum went to get the pizza from downstairs and Jonghyun was content with watching Minho and Taemin talk quietly with each other. He enjoyed the atmosphere they gave off – he had always been sensitive to the general mood of a room and Taemin and Minho had a way of making him feel comfortable without even actively trying to include him. At one point in their conversation, Minho turned to Jonghyun and complimented him on his braiding talent. Jonghyun just shrugged sheepishly and mumbled something about the tyranny of an older sister.

Dinner was served in the living room. They didn’t even bother taking the pizzas out of the boxes. Minho and Taemin didn’t change their position, just accommodated their boxes on top of their legs. Kibum sat down on the floor and Jinki took a seat right next to Jonghyun. They didn’t talk much, just random tidbits about their day and the obligatory exchanges of slices of pizza.

“Um, wait,” Taemin muttered when Kibum wanted to collect the boxes to bring them to the kitchen. “I, I have something to say.” In Jonghyun’s opinion, Minho looked like he knew what was coming. The two must’ve talked about this moment before dinner.

Taemin cleared his throat uncomfortably and twiddled with the hem of his dress. He gave a shaky smile when Minho put a reassuring hand on his to stop him from ruining the skirt. “So, um, please don’t find this weird ok, but could you maybe start calling me Tae at all times? I, I realized lately that I feel a bit uncomfortable with Taemin so maybe Tae would work better since it works for both genders? Would you, would you mind trying that?”

Minho’s hold around Tae seemed to tighten and Jonghyun could see that the youngest was shaking ever so slightly. He didn’t know what to say, he felt slightly out of place considering he was not part of the band. But Jinki reacted almost immediately, got up and kneeled down on the floor in front of Tae (and Minho).

“Tae,” he started and took his hand. “Of course we don’t mind. You could ask us to call R2D2 and we wouldn’t mind. Really.” That got a smile out of Tae.

“Yup,” Kibum agreed and scooted closer as well, hugging Taemin from his position on the floor. “Now, are you still fine with he/him/his or would you prefer something else?”

“That’s fine, so far. And I’m sure something else would be hard in interviews and the like to forget, you know? So I’m ok with he/him/his, you don’t say it directly to my face anyway, but Tae would be great. I wouldn’t even mind Minnie.” He laughed awkwardly and the others chuckled along.

“I, um,” Jonghyun coughed. “I will do it as well, of course. Everything you want.”

“Come here already Jonghyun,” Jinki laughed. “No cuddle pile is complete without you.”

So Jonghyun let himself being dragged into the heap of bodies that eventually moved onto the floor completely. He lay there in Kibum’s arms, his own wrapped around Minho and Jinki and his head on Tae’s stomach and he couldn’t help but wonder how it had come to this. How, after only a few months, he had gotten so comfortable with those boys – idols on their way to becoming incredibly well-known, even if they weren’t quite there yet. Where did their trust come from? He knew enough about them to, if he should ever have that desire, destroy their careers completely. The thought gave him such a painful sting of guilt that he pulled Minho and Jinki tighter into his embrace. He could never. Never.

“Did you talk to Jongin and Moonkyu yet?” Kibum asked when they slowly disentangled themselves from each other.

“Ah no,” Tae confessed, staying seated on the floor with his legs crossed. “I haven’t even really introduced them to the Taeyeon days yet, so I guess I’ll wait some more time. And I still have to talk to Gyeongshik. He won’t be impressed.”

Jonghyun was also still on the ground but not, like in Tae’s case, out of laziness. His hip had flared up again and even though he had no reason to feel insecure around the band and he knew that, after the events of the day he didn’t want to remind them again just how defect he really was. Luckily, Tae decided that Jonghyun’s lap was the perfect pillow so Jonghyun had a perfectly valid reason to stay where he was.

After two hours of Karaoke – during which Jonghyun did his best to not get the microphone – had passed, and the mood was quieting down, Tae shuffled up to Jinki. From where he sat, still on the ground with his back leaned against the sofa, Jonghyun could see him using his best cutesy expression. It worked quite well combined with the dress and the braids in his hair.

“Moonlight? Please?” Tae asked and as if on cue, Kibum and Minho both gasped.

“Yes, please!” They both exclaimed at the same time and glowered at each other playfully.

“But we don’t have that on Karaoke,” Jinki mumbled, obviously slightly embarrassed.

“But you have the instrumentals on your laptop. Oh please, Jinki.” Kibum insisted.

“I’ll get it for you.” Minho announced and in a flash he was back, carrying the device under his arm. “You can’t escape.” He grinned.

Jinki sighed and Jonghyun watched confused, as the other three got as comfortable as they could on the sofa – Tae on top of Minho, of course. “Jonghyun, you should come up as well, there’s still room for you.” Kibum offered but Jonghyun shook his head.

“I’m pretty comfortable here, thanks.” He lied. He didn’t miss the look the others exchanged but for his own mental safety decided to not dwell on it. Jinki got up, plugged the laptop in with the speakers and took a while to find the file he was looking for. Later rather than sooner a soft melody filled the room and Jinki stood in front of them. With a nervous smile directed at Jonghyun, he started.

The experience was heavenly. Jonghyun could feel his turbulent emotions settle into a state of pure calmness and he sighed deeply. All the stress of the day fell away in those three minutes and when the song was over and he looked behind him, he could see that Minho, Tae and Kibum had all fallen asleep. They must’ve had an exhausting day, now that he thought about it. And then they had gone all the lengths to cheer him up after the disastrous meeting.

Jonghyun felt guilty for his selfishness immediately.

Jinki turned off his computer and crouched down next to him. “Are you alright?”

Jonghyun knew it was futile to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. That would never work with him. “I’m so sorry.” He croaked.

Jinki frowned but didn’t say anything. Instead, he got up and disappeared out of the room. Jonghyun’s tears spilled over. One of his hands clasped over his mouth so his sobs couldn’t get out and wake up the three sleeping boys on the sofa.

“Oh Jonghyun,” he heard a soft murmur from the direction of the door. Jinki entered the living room again, his arms loaded with blankets. He dumped one of them over Kibum, used the other one to cover Taemin and Minho, who instantly cuddled closer together, and then pulled Jonghyun up. The expression of pain that inevitably crossed over Jonghyun’s features seemed to give him all the information he needed. “Alright. I was going to ask you whether you’d rather go home but this looks really painful. I insist you stay the night.”

“But-“

“You can have Minho’s bed, he’s in the bed underneath Taemin – I mean Tae. Dammit.” Jinki looked remorseful when he continued as they wobbled their way to the bedroom. “It doesn’t seem like he’s going to need it. And even if, I doubt he and Tae,” he emphasized the name, almost proudly, “would mind sharing Tae’s bed.”

Jonghyun was handed a toothbrush and then he had the bathroom all to himself. Before he had left him, Jinki had announced he would go hunt for a shirt Jonghyun could wear for the night. Smiling at the different departments in the cupboard – there was one labelled Taemin and one labelled Taeyeon – Jonghyun got ready for bed. It was weird for him to do; usually he very much preferred his own room with the familiar sheets and lights and sounds. It had been years, even before the accident, since he had actually slept at a friends’ house.

It had been a long time since his insomnia had allowed him to sleep as well as he did that night.

 

 

 

“Hello?”

“Hell? Kim Sodam?”

“Speaking?”

“Um, here is Kim Kibum.”

“From SHINee? Is that why you’re calling from a private number?”

“Ah yeah, I hope that didn’t scare you.”

“Oh no, don’t worry, it happens surprisingly often.”

“Ok, then... To the reason of my call: it’s about Jonghyun. How often do you see him?”

“Almost every day unless we miss each other at home. It happened some more lately than before. Why?”

“We, my bandmates and I, were just wondering whether you also noticed a change in him? Ever since that meeting three weeks ago he hasn’t been the same around us and we’re afraid it’s because of us.”

“No, I noticed it as well. I don’t blame him though, those people were incredibly insensitive.”

“Definitely. Jinki, Onew, screamed at them quite a bit, as far as I know.”

“That’s good to hear. Even though he doesn’t seem like the type to scream at anyone to be honest.”

“That’s just on TV, he can be quite the intimidating guy in normal life. But most of his image is correct, he really is incredibly kind and quite clumsy. Anyway, do you have an idea what we can do to cheer him up again?”

“Why do you ask?”

“It’s just. He’s done so much for us, even though he probably isn’t aware of it.”

“What did he do?”

“I’m afraid I can’t really tell you. I’m sorry, we can never be cautious enough.”

“Oh no, that’s alright, I shouldn’t have asked, that was insensitive of me. Sorry.”

“Let’s just say, especially Tae and Jinki have been feeling a lot better since he is our friend. And our group’s atmosphere overall is better. More comfortable you know.”

“Yeah, he can have that effect on people. Do you already have ideas what to do for him?”

“Not really. We all feel like we don’t know him well enough yet to know what would do him good. That’s why I’m calling you.”

“… Does he know we’re talking?”

“Um, no, I, I’m afraid not. I may have stolen your number from his phone when he was over a few days ago.”

“Tss, you guys really like him, don’t you?”

“Yes. We all do. A lot.”

“He writes.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Jonghyun. He writes and composes songs. He said you guys inspire him. If you sang one of his songs…”

“That sounds amazing! Could you maybe send us some of them? Or no, we could come over and pick them up, that’s probably easier.”

“I’m not sure… Those notebooks are his treasure, I don’t know whether he would feel comfortable with you leafing through them.”

“Just one song would be enough, we wouldn’t have to go through anything.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Call me again the day after tomorrow?”

“Of course! Thank you so much.”

“No problem. I would like to see my brother smile again as well.”

 

 

 

Jonghyun stood in front of the SM building. He felt uncomfortable. SHINee didn’t have any songs to record at the time so he hadn’t been there since the meeting over a month ago. If it were up to him, he would never set foot into it ever again. But Kibum had called him and not asked as much as ordered him to come. And Jonghyun could never say no to anything they asked him to do. He took a deep breath and held it until he started to feel dizzy.

His hip reflected his anxiety as he limped his way into the building and to the elevator – he pointedly ignored the young woman at the reception. She would probably show pity and sympathy and offer all kinds of help he didn’t want. Kibum had texted him where to go and Jonghyun didn’t need help finding the small performance room. As far as he was aware, it was used to present new choreographies, songs or concepts to the high ranked employees. Bigger stages were usually not needed for such intentions.

Myungsoon and Gyeongshik were already in the room, when he entered. They both smiled widely at him and Gyeongshik, who Jonghyun hadn’t seen since the meeting, pointed at a chair that was different from the others.

“We organized a good chair for you. Um, the people who sell it said it’s supposed to help all kinds of pains in the back and hip area. So we thought we’d try.” His apparent nervousness made tilt in his voice at the end of the sentence sound like a question. Jonghyun just stared.

“We’re sorry, that’s what he wants to say. Men, always beating around the bush, right?” Myungsoon clarified. Her attempt to lighten the mood didn’t work quite well though.

“Yeah,” Gyeongshik cleared his throat. “That we are. Sorry, I mean. Terribly so. We should have handled that way better.” Something about the way he said it rubbed Jonghyun in the wrong way but he chose to ignore it. Gyeongshik looked uncomfortable enough to seem sincere and that was what counted.

“But why would you get me a chair of all things?”

“That’s uh,” he cut himself off and heaved a sigh. “Why don’t you sit down and afterwards we’ll explain it to you?”

“Aright?” Jonghyun was still confused – even more so than before. They would explain after what? What were they doing in that room? But he did what he was told, limped slowly towards the chair and settled down heavily. He could see Gyeongshik and Myungsoon look at each other from the corner of his eye but chose to ignore it. They were in no position to comment on his limited mobility.

After a few uneventful minutes, Jinki, Kibum, Minho and Tae finally got on stage through a door Jonghyun hadn’t seen before. They were all dressed in jeans and dress shirts, looking pleasantly comfortable but still like they put effort into their outfits. All of them had a microphone in their hand. They smiled and Jonghyun, who returned it, slightly less confused. At least now he knew what was going to happen. It still didn’t make perfect sense – he had heard them sing plenty of times before and there were no new songs, as far as he was aware of. The door shut quietly behind him. Gyeongshik and Myungsoon had left.

If he had been able to, Jonghyun would have leapt up from his chair as soon as the music started. He knew that melody; knew it from the bottom of his heart. He had written it, in one of the nights when his insomnia had prevented him from sleeping for even a few minutes. It had been after the apology-dinner and his mind had been so filled with affection for the four boys currently standing on the stage in front of him that he couldn’t help but let his emotions bleed onto a blank sheet of paper.

Tears were already in his eyes but when Jinki raised his microphone to his gently smiling lips and started with the first verse, they spilled over helplessly. When the band reached the chorus, Jonghyun was downright sobbing in his chair. Through his tears, he realized that some parts of the lyrics were missing. Jinki, Kibum, Minho and Tae just smiled at him during those instances.

The song was over too quickly and Jonghyun bent forward and buried his face in his hands. His sobs were embarrassingly loud in the quiet room but he couldn’t stop. Footsteps approached him and as soon as Minho put a hand on his back, Jonghyun flung his arms around the other’s torso and cried into his shirt. Smaller hands hesitantly stroked his hair. Someone tapped his arms until he looked to the side and found Kibum kneeling next to him.

“Hey,” he said gently. “We did this to cheer you up, not to make you even sadder.”

The words just made Jonghyun cry harder.

“Where did you even get that from?” He sniffled ten minutes later when he could think coherently again. He slowly let go of Minho and looked guiltily at the big wet stain on the fabric.

“I may have bribed your sister a little.” Kibum admitted sheepishly, still on the ground. “She wanted to help make your mood better again.”

“Don’t corrupt my sister.” Jonghyun growled playfully and laughed through another bout of tears.

“Gyeongshik and Myungsoon helped us record the melody and Myungsoon tweaked it a tiny bit to make it sound better with more instruments.” Jinki’s voice came from behind Minho. “It’s a beautiful song.”

“And did you notice? We left your parts out.” Minho declared, almost proudly.

“My parts?”

“Yeah! After Jinki was so angry at them after that meeting, the management was very guilty and we all met up with them and demanded they make it up to you. You are now, if you want to of course, an official part of SHINee. You can decide whether you want to do public appearances, on TV and stuff, but you are definitely a fully integrated part of our music.” Now that was unmistakable pride in Minho’s voice.

“And the best part,” Tae chimed in when Jonghyun stared at them and made no move to reply. “When we showed them this song, they immediately agreed that you’re incredibly talented so they will find a way to let you learn how to compose songs properly and then you can probably write some for our next album.”

“That’s what the chair is for.” Kibum chuckled. “Gyeongshik is incredibly awkward when it comes to apologies.”

Jonghyun could not form words. Jinki, Minho and Tae settled onto the ground as well, all of them smiling widely. The love he felt for them was overflowing in the form of tears, again, but this time they seemed to sense that he didn’t need comfort. Jinki just took his hand from where he sat right next to him.

“So,” Kibum asked. “Would you like to be part of us? It’s not going to be easy, I’m afraid and I bet you will ask yourself why you agreed to do this and-“

“Jesus, Kibum, you sound like you don’t want him to join.” Minho scolded. Tae and Jinki nodded.

“I would love to,” Jonghyun said quietly. “But I don’t think I can do public appearances. At least not yet.”

“Don’t worry.” Jinki squeezed his hand. “Nobody expects you to. Gyeongshik already said they have an idea how you could be part of a performance without the audience having to see your face but that’s in the future. For now we will just make an amazing album with songs you wrote.”

The tears that had almost stopped, came back with new fervour.

Gyeongshik came into the room a few minutes later, interrupting Tae’s and Minho’s enthusiastic blabbering about how great SHINee would be in the future. He sounded guilty when he told them that they had to leave for a TV appearance in about three minutes.

Minho and Kibum helped Jonghyun up but it was Jinki who walked him to the door. “I’m afraid I can’t bring you to the taxis. Our stylists get incredibly angry when we’re late.” He admitted after Kibum, Minho and Tae had hugged Jonghyun goodbye and left to get their belongings. “But maybe we can see each other later or tomorrow?”

“That would be nice.” Jonghyun smiled and realized, confused, that he felt almost shy.

They hugged for longer than they usually would and when Jonghyun eventually pulled away, feeling slightly fuzzy in his stomach, he could feel Jinki’s lips slightly grazing his scarred cheek. They stared at each other.

“I- I’m sorry,” Jinki stammered. “I didn’t know why I did that.”

Something must have connected wrongly in Jonghyun’s mind, giving him more courage than he had ever had before because he leaned forward and placed a feather-light peck onto Jinki’s mouth. “Me neither.” He murmured.

Jinki smiled the happiest, gentlest and most affectionate smile Jonghyun had ever seen. He extended his hand and cradled Jonghyun’s jaw, letting his thumb brush softly over the disfigured part of Jonghyun’s face.

And Jonghyun felt beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> So I posted this on tumblr a while ago - or rather I joined a contest - and I just realized I never put it up here, so... Tadaaa ^_^  
> I really hope you guys like it as much as I loved writing it!
> 
> tumblr: jonghyoney.tumblr.com


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